"Turkish Star Wars" - Tooting toilet paper monsters, Indiana Jones soundtrack, and so many explosions

To celebrate May the 4th, our bad movie club decided to watch Turkish Star Wars, a.k.a. The Man Who Saves The Earth or  Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam.

I had heard of this movie. I had seen clips of this movie. This is another bad movie which competes for the title of "Worst Movie Ever" alongside The Room and Troll 2. I have to say, I think this movie makes The Room and Troll 2 look pretty competent. In fact, it makes Godfrey Ho movies (like the one we saw last time) look great.

Now, despite commonly being called Turkish Star Wars, I don't think it was precisely intended to be a Star Wars movie. Apparently this was due to the set being destroyed before filming could begin, so they just decided to lift random scenes from Star Wars. It's actually quite interesting, and I highly recommend seeing this short documentary on YouTube about it regardless of whether you will actually watch the actual movie or not.

The movie is from 1982, filmed at a time of political upheaval in Turkey, and despite remaining unknown in the rest of the world apparently was a great success in Turkey and made the creators rich.

The plot seems to center around two horny space fighter types (apparently piloting Tie Fighters who are trying to protect earth (apparently disguised as the Death Star) from the evil Wizard (apparently wearing a cardboard mask). They crash land on some chunk of rock (although later on the spaceship is revealed to be undamaged). The chunk of rock was, if I understood correctly, a former piece of earth which had flown away at some point due to something dramatic happening. I'm not being deliberately vague here to spare you spoilers - I'm just confused. I think it involved nukes somehow, if that helps?

I really tried to understand, but the exposition dump at the beginning of the movie overwhelmed me. All I understood was there was someone controlling robots who was obsessed with the power of the human brain and therefore wanted to conquer earth. Which was super confusing because later on his rock is revealed to be inhabited by a load of humans anyway, so what's that all about?

Cardboard Wizard Darth Vader Type

Anyway, our two heroes crash land on a "desert planet" which is definitely not Tatooine, and begin to speculate if it's inhabited by chicks in miniskirts, and then proceed to get captured by evil skeleton knights (who are definitely not chicks in miniskirts.) They get marched to some village, apparently full of humans, who are being forced to fight each other for sport. The two heroes break loose from their very loosely tied ropes, and proceed to beat up most of the evil skeleton knights for far too long, and then all the humans (including the heroes) run away to hide in some caves. The main hero ogles a blonde woman for a while, and the woman ogles him back.

So smoldering

What a romantic look

The wizard is super excited about the prospect of human brains, and says not to chase them because they are too interested in him and will come back by themselves.

But then for some reason, he apparently sends toilet paper monster yeti things to attack everyone at night, so I guess he underestimated the power of boners and got tired of waiting. Most of the humans get killed by the toilet paper monsters and turned into more toilet paper monsters.

Toilet Paper Monster Awakes!

Anyway, the rest of the movie proceeds with more fight scenes, a training montage involving tying rocks to your legs and jumping a lot until you can jump as if you are on a trampoline, a blue jacket with really big red circles near where the nipples should be, a budget Lost Planet type robot, and so many more repeats of the Indiana Jones theme music and video clips casually lifted from Star Wars.

So much going on in this scene

Should you wish to expose yourself to this film and to find out what happens, you can easily find it on both YouTube and on Archive.org. 

Verdict:
I am worried that from now on, whenever I hear the Indiana Jones theme, I will think of this movie instead of Indiana Jones. 

Also, I'm not sure I ever saw so many explosions in a movie. No, wait, let me rephrase that - I never saw the same explosion so many times over and over in the same movie.

Finally, the relentlessly looped noise of an elephant tooting + lion/bear roar over and over whenever the toilet paper monster appeared on the screen lead me to desire the imminent destruction of said monster. Sadly, they kept appearing over and over again, and so did the tooting-with-roaring. 　

That was certainly an experience. I think any Star Wars fan should see it. Or at least try to see it. I'm not sure everyone would survive it. Try to see the remastered version, because the un-remastered one is simply too muddy to make heads or tails of what's going on. (That doesn't mean the remastered one will make any more sense though.)

2/10 stars. This movie makes Godfrey Ho look competent.