A love triangle between a man, his wife, and a very angry crocodile (Godfrey Ho's Crocodile Fury)

I have never seen a movie quite like Godfrey Ho's Crocodile Fury. I have seen several Godfrey Ho movies, but this time he outdid himself.
I don't even know where to begin.

Let me try anyway. 
I found this movie in the Wu Tang Collection on YouTube. (Yes - that Wu-Tang, of Wu-Tang Clan fame. Here's a link about them and their connection with movies, if you're interested: [link])
The film is apparently from 1988, although I could swear some of the clips look older than that.
On iMDB, the storyline is described thusly:

Monica, a witch vampire, has the power to invade with vampires. They can destroy everything that exists on earth. The situation worsens when Monica is working with Cooper, the master of the seas.

This synopsis gives you a hint of the madness contained in this film, but only just. It barely scratches the surface, unlike Sorcerer Monica's claws. 

Ahem.

So, spoilers ahead. I'm going to try to explain what happens in this film and how I feel about it. I might not succeed. Know that I spent 95% of the film being utterly baffled and confused.

The film has two plot lines, loosely tied together by bad dubbing. The dubbing is as effective as keeping the two stories together as an old rubberband would be stringing a lovesick crocodile to a bouncy vampire.

Story one involves Jack, Peggy, Master Cooper of the Sea World, Maria the crocodile, and an entire village of crocodile bait. Oh, and Donald (a.k.a. Don) the Crocodile, and Steven (also a crocodile.)

Story two involves a guy who I think is called Rudolph, Monica the evil Sorcerer, a few hopping vampires, some zombies of varying competence, and a random guy called Bruce who is out to defeat them all.

Although I'll try not to narrate everything that happens in the movie, I do want to point out a few highlights and what I could decipher from the plot. 

Firstly, it appears the evil Sorcerer Monica is up to no good. She sits in her lair, making magic happen. We don't know her name yet, but we do know that her magic is evil because her plastic skull is shooting smoke out of its nose and has glowing eyes, and her crystal ball is also glowing ominously. But most of all, we know she is doing magic because she keeps saying, "Magic crystal magic magic magic ball magic..." or something along those lines. (Side note: I think the dubber was still trying to come up with somewhat reasonable lines at this point, but gave up by the end of the movie as you will see later in this post.)

Change of scene. A bunch of men, running around, with guns and grenades, shoot at each other with aim that would make even a storm trooper ashamed. Who are these guys? Well, your guess is as good as mine, because I never found out. 

Cut back to Monica's crystal ball, and then a sudden cut to story number 1, where a giant crocodile is apparently wreaking havoc on an unsuspecting village. This village continues to look unsuspecting for quite a while. What I mean is, they apparently have the AI of a primitive computer game, where, if you lose line of sight from the enemy for a few seconds, it must mean everything is back to normal. I say this because the folks just keep jumping into the water, happily floating around in their boats, pushing each other in, and one fellow even does quite a nice dive directly into the crocodile's mouth.

A large portion of the movie consists of people dying from largely avoidable crocodile-related incidents, and after some time it all just starts to blur together. Any initial sympathy I felt for the villagers soon fades away due to their incredible incompetence, and at some point I just started to wonder if maybe it's better they all get eaten anyway.
The crocodile roars like a lion, seemingly flies to impossible heights, and at some point I wondered just how many crocodiles there are exactly because the crocodile's head and tail keep popping up to chomp on villagers or smack them into the water at an impossible rate.

Unfortunately, a random hero shows up and wrestles the crocodile before everyone can be devoured or gibbed by the crocodile. Cut back to story 2. Here, someone who looks like a cross between a spy and a flasher wanders around near some ruins, gets nommed on by a random flying skeleton head, and then proceeds to vomits mealworms for an unnecessarily long scene with uncomfortable closeups before wiping his mouth and saying, "Ah, better."

Cut back to story 1. The villagers forgot about the crocodile. More crocodile mayhem ensues. Our hero finally shows up. This is Jack. He hugs the crocodile a bit, and convinces it to let his friend go with this convincing dialogue: 

"Hey Maria. I understand how you must feel. But please, don't kill him. He's a very good friend of mine. If you keep killing people, your sins will not be forgiven. How do you expect to be reborn as a human if you keep killing all these innocent friends of mine now?"

Surprisingly, the crocodile turns into a woman almost immediately. It turns out the crocodile is Maria, a jealous crocodile with deep feelings for Jack. After Jack rejects her plan of having him turn into a crocodile instead of her ending her murder spree, Maria suddenly turns back into a croc and vanishes.

I'll stop narrating step-by-step now, but I just had to set the scene for you a little bit.

The rest of the movie consists of more crocodile-related deaths, random fight scenes between a guy wearing camo and a bunch of zombie/vampire types, drama in the crocodile sea kingdom, an attempted coup of Master Cooper's crocodile throne by a new crocodile with self-control problems called "Donald" who forms a temporary alliance with Maria against Cooper. More crocodile madness ensues in the village, and Donald kidnaps Jack's wife. (There was no hint that Jack apparently had a wife until she got kidnapped. It makes me wonder if he was cheating on his wife Peggy with crocodile Maria or if Maria is an old relationship. I'm probably overthinking this.) 
Jack sets off on an adventure, aided by his own master (there are a lot of masters in this movie, including a few I haven't bothered mentioning), forges a magical weapon, and heads for the crocodile kingdom in strangely Moses-like scene.

The guy who vomited meal worms in the other film is apparently called Rudolph. We don't know this yet, but he's here to see Monica and tell her about an "agent" who is coming for her. The random scenes with camo-guy vs zombies, vampires, and guys with guns is hero number two, possibly called Bruce. Anyway, Bruce is coming for Monica and Rudolph, while Jack is coming for Maria and Donald.

To make matters more confusing, Master Cooper creates a new crocodile called Steven. Steven is cool because he has diamond fangs and some kind of sense of honor. Steven does not approve of Donald.

The rest is a mess, but highlights include:

• Donald shoots a load of mini-crocodiles onto Steven from his hand.
  
  
  
  
  
• Monica does more magic while using the very magical words hamahamahamahama.

• Stunt zombies with varying degrees of talent descend.
  

I guess that I should have expected the ending to be as confusing and as sudden as it was, but it still surprised me. I won't spoil it for you. But you shouldn't watch this movie for the ending - you should watch this for all the madness that happens before it.

Or maybe don't watch it.

But whatever you choose, know that I haven't been the same since last evening. I watched it 100% sober and nearly equally confused, and it entertained me far more than many supposedly proper movies have.

If you like bad action movies, or are feeling a bit masochistic, or have a soft spot for crocodile puppets, I recommend going to the Wu Tang Collection and enjoying a free movie.

1/10 stars. Or maybe 9/10. I'm not sure. I'm so confused!