Up to his ears in denial
My friend who is stuck in a verbally and physically abusive relationship with a psycopath is up to his ears in denial. He refuses to accept the facts, has been given a helpline to professional help which he refuses to use, and is in general utterly convinced that his situation is completely normal and acceptable, and that it will in fact be OK in time.
[Psycopaths are] … “intraspecies predators who use charm, manipulation, intimidation, sex and violence to control others and to satisfy their own selfish needs. Lacking in conscience and empathy, they take what they want and do as they please, violating social norms and expectations without guilt or remorse”. - Robert Hare
I’ve heard the overused phrase that love blinds you, but I never understood how true it is. I was naive enough to think that it only made people oblivious to the small faults of someone, such as perhaps how bad someone smells, how they talk, and so on. I never realized it could completely blind someone to something as extreme as this.
I wish I could get him to understand that someone who loves you does not do any of the following:
- Physically attack you
- Verbally attack you and demean you
- Manipulate you into doing her bidding
- Deny you the right to visit dying relatives unless they are literally about to die within a few hours
- Deny you the right to visit your own family and friends more often than once a month
- Threaten to kill you
- Threaten to kill your pets
- Threaten to kill herself if you leave her
- Break your things over a minor argument
- Insult your friends and family, apologize, and then physically and verbally assault you some more as soon as she has you back under her control all alone
- Deny you the right to see the doctor when you are sick and need medication
- Open your private letters, read them, and tear them up and hide the remains from you
NONE of the above are normal things, especially when combined together. This is NOT normal behavior for anyone, not even girls, and if he had more than one girlfriend he would see that this is the case. I know the statement that “girls are crazy”, “there is no understanding females” are easy excuses to make at this point, but believe me, having spent my entire life being a female, this is NOT true. Whether someone is male or female and has these qualities, she/he is dangerous and extremely sick.
Someone who loves you can not and will not do these things to you. On the other hand, a manipulative, mentally ill psychopath talented in manipulation and obsessed with keeping you under her rule will have NO problems doing this, and then feigning an apology when she realizes that you are finally about to come to your senses.
HE doesn’t do any of these things to her - why can’t he see that her doing these things to him is ABSOLUTE PROOF that this is not normal, not acceptable, and it is NOT about to improve in the future, no matter what false assurances she gives him!
The faster he gets out of this relationship, the better it is for both him and her. Unfortunately, there is probably no medicine or psychologist who can cure her, but at least he can be brought to safety.
She is a minefield and this will end in more violence.
I don’t know what to do! Am I simply supposed to sit back, relax, and wait for something even worse to happen until he will see what is going on??
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