Compromise

Life, make no demands of me, I’m trying to write. Begone, oh distracting list of Miranda.

I’ve just finished reading a very good book by Frank Herbert. It’s called “The Santaroga Barrier”. For the first 20 pages or so, I misread it as Saratoga for some reason. Were I Jeremy, I would write something deep and meaningful about it and the thoughts about society, individuals, and all the other issues it brings up (including drugs). Unfortunately, I am not Jeremy - I am Ann-Mi, and a tired Ann-Mi at that.

Instead, I shall present you with a problem that might be from a soap opera. It is likely on the bland side, but it is nevertheless one I am struggling with. I hope no one involved objects to me presenting it here - I just wanted a fresh point of view. I know it’s rather long, but I appreciate any and all feedback offered. And thus begins the rant.

This is my dilemma. I have been invited to travel to London at the end of November with two friends. Unfortunately, one of these friends is my most recent ex-boyfriend. Now, we have been ‘ex’ for a while now… I don’t really know how long, but over two years at least, I think. I have met him since then, however. We remained exes then as well, although we got along very well.

Both of these friends are people I have not seen in a long time that I used to spend far more time with, usually conversing with or playing games with over the net. So you can understand that I have a deep longing to see them both. One of them especially remains a friend I talk with and debate with on a weekly or at least a semi-weekly basis. Finally, there is the aspect of England. Having studied there for three years, I have managed to develop a bi-faceted relationship with it. Is that a word? I don’t know. I guess I should say “love-hate” relationship, but that feels far too intimate when it is mostly only an acquaintance, not a country that I have had a meaningful relationship with.
Ah. I’m cycling off. What I meant to say is that I would very much love to see the damned place again. Another argument for visiting would be the time period - Friday to Sunday, which are the days that I do not work, so in that sense it would not interfere with my “other life” here in Finland.

Now, I present to you the big argument against travel - it would make Eyal vastly uncomfortable. It would make him worried that I would be traveling with an ex-boyfriend, and this one in particular, as he is “the big one”. Judging by how much I have spoken of him to Eyal, I agree. It must be the big one (no offense to previous boyfriends) or at least it currently is the big one as it is also the most fresh.

However, the fact that he is who he is is part of what makes me so ineffably convinced that nothing would happen. I’ve tried it, I’ve tested the ice, I fell in, I drowned, but somehow I survived. I do not wish to do it again. Unless some rather significant things about him were to change, it could not work. There is this old cliché that in order to love someone else, you must love yourself. In order to know someone else, you must know yourself. In order to be happy with someone else, you must.. and so on. I think it holds true in this case.

Don’t get me wrong - I still care about him as much as I used to. I really do. If something were to happen to him, I would be crushed - it would be like losing a family member. But I feel the same way about the one who came before him as well, and I do not wish or harbor any dreams of anything coming from this person either any longer, and not for a long while now.

I’m very happy with Eyal. I feel, oh forgive me for the unimaginative but clichéd term, “complete” with him. It may be a worn out term, but it is true. I’m not going to start babbling like some love-struck idiot, but I have to make the point. The truth is, I do not want to lose him. He assures me that if I did travel, I wouldn’t lose him - he would just feel very nervous until I got back.

I talked with one of the women I work with. She said I should travel. Eyal should be able to trust me. Eyal assures me that he trusts me, but that he does not trust my ex. I want Eyal to understand that nothing will happen - I don’t want anything to happen and even if my ex did want something to happen, I’m not going to give it the chance. There will be no stupid nonsense like sharing rooms. I will not allow any kissing to occur, except possibly on the cheek in generic Portuguese politeness, but if he gets jealous from that, we have a problem in any case. (Sorry, Eyal! Good thing I don’t live in France, you would have turned emerald by now if this bothers you.) There will certainly be a hello-hug and a goodbye-hug, but there will be no kinky back-rubs. There will also be a certain mutual friend traveling along for whom I have never harbored any kinky feelings (sorry J, even if you are the LotR champ, you’re not geeky enough for me). So he will be there as an apron.
My work-buddy also said that if I have the faintest suspicion that I will be randomly snogging this ex, then there is no reason I should be going.

Now, I can only think of one more argument for not going in addition to the rather huge one of causing considerable discomfort and stress to Eyal - the onbringing of possible confusion. This is a reason I find rather hard to accept, as I am convinced I do NOT feel confused - I know where my heart is set, I know what my mind wants. The defense against this would be to give myself no reason to get into confusing situations. The biggest, most drastic measure, of course, would be to not travel. But seriously, am I supposed to live the rest of my life without meeting one of my best friends? It seems very harsh. I don’t like it - it makes me sad. But the thought of hurting Eyal also makes me unhappy.

My heart and brain are in turmoil. I want Eyal to understand… I want myself to understand.. One of us has to make a compromise - I’m ready to make it, and I think he is too, but I don’t want it to boil down to not traveling.